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cjbasicmodelLast year, in May or June, I joined a small Discord group. The group, of which I am still a happy member, was advertised as an NSFW friendly Babylon 5 server, and, on a whim and with the hope that someone else in the world has the warm fuzzies about Londo Mollari (spoiler; oh yes. More than one other person), I joined. That server has, despite or because of it's small size, been a catalyst for two significant realizations.
The first uncomfortable but necessary realization, was that cult like behavior exists outside of the religion of my youth, and that I can miss the signs in a big fucking way, almost certainly because of the aforementioned religion of my youth. Fortunately, clarifying events cast light over signals I was missing and that has provided the opportunity figure out why I was susceptible to grooming in that way, and why it felt familiar and therefore safe, even when it wasn't. So that sucked, but is ultimately for the good. I guess. I still feel stupid, but I've read a lot more on cult recovery in the last few months, and that's been informative and would keep my therapist busy if I was still going...
The second and INFINITELY more fun realization, is I that I can write fanfiction. Since I've joined that group, I've written around 18'000 words. I know that's not very much, but considering that since I dropped out of college in '05, I've written ZERO words of creative writing, I'm going to let myself be proud. And, I want to be clear - if I hadn't joined the group, I wouldn't have written the fanfiction. The community there is supportive, encouraging, and so creative. It's a warm, diverse, inclusive place that is safe enough for me to be vulnerable enough to try 'embarrassing' things. Like writing fanfiction. And talking to my partner about parts of my sexuality that I previously kept in a locked box stored at the bottom of a mental mineshaft that only came out in complete solitude and shame. Those two things are connected in a weird labyrinth that we're not going to get into. Just trust me.
So this first post is a hurrah for online communities. The connections made on the internet are real and liberating and nourishing. And challenging and bumpy too sometimes. Just like real world communities.
I will probably use this dreamwidth journal to muse about my favorite race on the show Babylon 5, the Centauri. Worldbuilding, headcanons, stuff like that. And, because I am incapable of keeping my real life separate from my online life, probably that too.
The first uncomfortable but necessary realization, was that cult like behavior exists outside of the religion of my youth, and that I can miss the signs in a big fucking way, almost certainly because of the aforementioned religion of my youth. Fortunately, clarifying events cast light over signals I was missing and that has provided the opportunity figure out why I was susceptible to grooming in that way, and why it felt familiar and therefore safe, even when it wasn't. So that sucked, but is ultimately for the good. I guess. I still feel stupid, but I've read a lot more on cult recovery in the last few months, and that's been informative and would keep my therapist busy if I was still going...
The second and INFINITELY more fun realization, is I that I can write fanfiction. Since I've joined that group, I've written around 18'000 words. I know that's not very much, but considering that since I dropped out of college in '05, I've written ZERO words of creative writing, I'm going to let myself be proud. And, I want to be clear - if I hadn't joined the group, I wouldn't have written the fanfiction. The community there is supportive, encouraging, and so creative. It's a warm, diverse, inclusive place that is safe enough for me to be vulnerable enough to try 'embarrassing' things. Like writing fanfiction. And talking to my partner about parts of my sexuality that I previously kept in a locked box stored at the bottom of a mental mineshaft that only came out in complete solitude and shame. Those two things are connected in a weird labyrinth that we're not going to get into. Just trust me.
So this first post is a hurrah for online communities. The connections made on the internet are real and liberating and nourishing. And challenging and bumpy too sometimes. Just like real world communities.
I will probably use this dreamwidth journal to muse about my favorite race on the show Babylon 5, the Centauri. Worldbuilding, headcanons, stuff like that. And, because I am incapable of keeping my real life separate from my online life, probably that too.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-18 07:34 pm (UTC)rly glad B5 and the community have been a catalyst for creativity! that is actually an AMAZING amount of words considering you hadn't done it for years. (writing really really is a muscle. a... brain muscle.)
I guess prompting you to look into cult recovery is a net positive too, although sorry you had to go through something like that and be made to feel like you couldn't trust others/your judgement of them in retrospect. I hope you feel like you have a better toolkit for this stuff now.
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Date: 2025-01-19 01:01 am (UTC)I am really happy with the writing. It's so enjoyable.
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Date: 2025-01-23 02:36 am (UTC)You are a deeply cherished member of the server to me and I know many others too. :)